| (no subject) |
[Nov. 23rd, 2005|09:33 pm] |
wow. this will change my whole life.
decisions are everywhere and it's about time i start making and breaking them. i don't know what's going on i just know i don't like it and it hurts really bad. i feel like i'm being judgmental and i am. but when it comes to my life and me, i can be and not feel regret.
how do you choose when both sides hurt you. mistakes are everywhere. does anyone know mine?
we're gonna talk. a serious gritty hurtful talk. and it might get ugly but just hang in there. i need this.
for the most part i know how it's going to end but...hopefully it will end differently. highly doubtful. almost makes you want to talk with me huh. i'm just ruining this and i can't handle my emotions right now. i'm having a hard time living without thinking.
i started thinking about it the other day and since then it's been downhill. we're gonna figure some stuff out.
what i am thankful for:: i am thankful that i have a brain and can think with it. i am thankful for my family and that yeti is doing well after surgery. i am thankful that matt and i can talk. and be open about things. and i am thankful i have the guts to tell him what needs to be said.
dear lord. thank you for my health. and showing me the way <3 |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 21st, 2005|10:48 pm] |
| [ | state of mind |
| |  cheerful | ] |
| [ | song of the day.. |
| | SWEET! | ] |
i feel. different right now. i've not been this happy not only in months, but in years...i don't know how to control it sometimes, and i get scared. i'm in a beautiful relationship with a beautiful soul. he's amazing. i don't know how to describe it any other way.
there's so many ways people describe love. such a thin line now, love has almost lost it's meaning. everyone is in love. but not like this. no matter what we do it's passionate and lovely.
he drives me wild. in every way possible. i know i am in love. for the first time. and not love like before, but stronger. i've never felt this way before. and seeing his face just takes my breath away. and it's crazy. i just love him. there's this amazing love.
and fear.
emotions.
it's a crazy thing. this love. got me doing all kinds of crazy things. i'd jump for him. fall for him. love...is the miscommunication between two fools. my darling, i'm a fool. a fool in love. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 16th, 2005|02:01 pm] |
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my beautiful ferret is getting surgery tomorrow. pray pray pray. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 15th, 2005|10:52 pm] |
testing. one two. you know...the last few christmas's i have made it quite clear what i wanted...lets see if anyone can guess.
1. my favorite childhood book.
2. my favorite movie.
3. other little meaningful favorites.
have fun getting presents everyone :D |
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| well see what you want to see. you should see it all. |
[Nov. 12th, 2005|11:53 pm] |
| [ | song of the day.. |
| | uhg. modest mouse.... | ] |
well take what you want from me. you deserve it all. nine times out of ten. our heats just get dissolved. well i want a better place. or just a better way to fall.
auburn beat georgia. yay auburn <33333. that was my happiness of the evening.
you never called. it's almost 12. you didn't call me...
i've thought a lot the past couple days. a few weeks is almost up. time for us to make a decision. and i'm pretty sure i've got one. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 12th, 2005|01:30 am] |
i love gin blossoms and now i am going to pretend like i didn't act like a big idiot tonight. i think i'm about to start my period if maybe that makes a difference. i should have been more understanding. i imagined me being more understanding. i thought i saw you drive back to nutz's house...was it you?
i'm off work tomorrow and sunday. i am busy though, tomorrow sometime. i think i am spending time with my sister.
monday. i get out of school at 12, and go into work at 5. maybe for a couple hours we can just sleep.
i'm sorry i was so emotional tonight. to be honest...i dind't feel good either, but instead of not wanting to be around you, i wanted to be around you a billion times more. you always make me feel better when i don't feel good...a well, it turned out to be the opposite for you. i thought maybe the longer you stayed with me the more it would make you want to stay. i shoudln't have tried...i should have let you go. i can say i've made that mistake more than once.
call me. when the time comes around that maybe it's the right day.
gim blossoms. <3
i fucking hate love songs. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 12th, 2005|01:19 am] |
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i know what you did. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 8th, 2005|09:23 pm] |
god. i'm still hurting...and it still feels good...
jesus.
today was simply wonderful. and hopefully the rest of the week will be too. matt and i are hanging out thursday <333
we watched 50 first dates today. girly i know. he probably forced himself to watch it hehehe. i think that movie is adorable. then we talked and what not. then we passed out for hours. and i woke up and went to work. sadly...and as figures. i didn't want to go. but knew i needed money really bad for a lot of things for christmas. i almost have everyone's presents figured out. i'm super excited. for those of you who haven't told me or given me an idea...you probably won't get a present. i don't have a lot of time to shop and there are only like 43 days left.
i know what i'm getting matt and that's the most excited i have been about giving something to someone. i want to do it now, but i know that will just make me want to give it to him that much more. so i am going to wait and hopefully we will be able to hangout like on christmas eve. i planned that last year, but he didn't feel well. i think my present is going to be awesome and i am super excited nad i just hope i don't fuck it up. and everyone else will get something i can afford. cheap gifts for everyone hooray!!!
so. i have plans thursday people. BUT i have sunday off and i think i'm coming back from nashville sat night. so feel free to call me or whatever i don't care. i might take mom out to eat or something. i don't know.
things are going so good right now. i hope nothing messes the way i feel up. <333
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 6th, 2005|09:31 pm] |
| [ | state of mind |
| |  confused | ] |
| [ | song of the day.. |
| | gwen <33 | ] |
i think that i made a mistake.
i don't feel happy right now.
i don't feel good.
i don't feel reassured and i don't feel like i'm doing what should be done
am i pretending?
i'm going to just. talk. conversations solve everything. no?
i'm going to be up all night. again. over the same bullshit. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 3rd, 2005|11:49 pm] |
this is the last time i'll ever write in here again.
i just wanted to say bye. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 6th, 2005|02:25 pm] |
new journal.
gills_of_wine.
check it out.
new journal. new Kayla |
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| and out of nowhere. you put me right back there. you rip my heart right out. |
[Sep. 6th, 2005|08:03 am] |
| [ | state of mind |
| |  my hearts broken. | ] |
| [ | song of the day.. |
| | jimmy eat world-your house | ] |
i want to say everything i am feeling right now. down to the bitter core of my insides. i can't speak everything. i can't say anything. i feel speachless, yet, overwhelmed in speech at the same time. i want to chase him. run after him as fast as i can with my little legs and catch him and hug him tell him i never let go. but he has. so even if i did catch him...i still woudln't have him in my arms. that's what hurts. i have to know that i didn't give up on him. and i didn't. you didn't even give me a chance. you just ran away. it's easier to run...please don't run away from me. trust me. i know. i've wanted to run so fast sometimes...so far away from you where you woudln't be able to find me. but i stayed and tried to sick it through. we can make it i know we can. and even if you don't believe me how can you let go without even trying? it's like saying you don't like something without taking that first bite. one date. thats all im asking for. and i don't care that i'm sitting here being alone and being unhappy. what i care about is that we didn't even try. we went on one date. and we had fun. it was the most amazing date i had ever been on. we sat under stars and talked and smiled and for a brief moment. my life seemed complete again. i have to have you in some way or form. and i have to know why you gave up on me...
if you don't give me anything. and if you can't just give me one more chance at least give me the respect of telling me what happened. i realize it's not easy. but you don't have any idea what i'm going through right now. i keep retracing everything over and over and over in my head to the point where i can'y concentrate on anything else. there has to be something i'm missing. you said that you thought a lot about it. if you had planned on doing that before you came over...why did you do it? and you know waht i mean by it. why? why coudln't you spare me the heartache and just lay it out to me flat so i could have went to the party or out with my friends and try to lose you in something. why did you sit there and smile and hold me and talk with me if you had just planned on saying bye in the end. it just came out of nowhere. i'm so confused.
i'm going to ramble on about everything and nothing at the same time. please. just tell me what it was. i want to be your friend if i can't have anything else. i care too much about you to let everything go. to let you run. if you still care about me at all, please. let me know. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 5th, 2005|02:56 pm] |
| [ | state of mind |
| | my hearts broken. | ] |
| [ | song of the day.. |
| | gwen stefani-don't speak | ] |
my mom said everyday will be better than the last. that in a week i should be back to normal. she is probably right. i feel better today than i did yesturday. it was bad yesturday. i cried so much that i got sick. when i woke up this morning my throat hurt, my eyes were swollen, and my nose was stuffed. ugh.
you want closure. then do the same favor for me. i can't have closure if i don't know what happened. you wanted me one minute. and had me. then 30 minutes later you tell me that its over...that doesn't make sense to me. i looked at you and asked if you were happy and you said yes then all of a sudden your not. that doesnt make any sense to me. you have to tell me what happened...so i can move on. because i can't even stop thinking. retracing everything that could have happened. we talked and laughed and you were happy. i could tell when i looked into your eyes. then. youre not. it doesnt make sense to me. if it hurts me, fine let it. i dont care. because nothing hurts as bad as this and i want to get rid of this feeling as soon as i can. you have to tell me. so i can move on.
on another note. i turned off my phone. i just dont feel like talking to anyone and thats exactlly what my voice mail says. leave a message if you want me to call you back. or call my house and they'll tell me you called. if you dont have my house number theres proabbly a reason for that. so sorry and oh well. i'll turn it on every now and then to see if theres something important. if you can catch me then good luck and congrats. i probably wont asnwer. heh.
i dont think im going to write in here anymore either. i might start a new one. maybe. and delete this one. i want to delete everything that was written in here. too many feelings. too much involvment. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 2nd, 2005|02:53 pm] |
my mom is thinking about taking in a family from new orleans. maybe one that got evacuated here. she wants to help them. i think that is incredible. i would give my room up for them.
bah nutzy. i didint mean it the way it sounded. i was stressed out because i was going to make my move today and i had planned on talking to Matt. i miss him terribly. sorry about that. i still plan on coming over. if thats alright.
sooo. the move. er. went eh. actually it didnt go. but we talked a lot and he kept saying "are you going home right now?" i was like---no. youre so hot. sorry im done. move will be wednesday. yes. i need to do it
i also need to call amanda england. i promised kyle i would.
i realized its not about raising gas prices. i;d pay 6.00 a gallon to not be going through what these people of louisiana are going through right now. theyre families are dying next to them. its horrible. please pray for these people and try to give any donations you possibly can. try to give money to unum proviudent which is where my dad works. if you donate money for the hurricane relief there, they are matching 100% what everyone donates and that will be doubled what people donate. please please. get in contact with me if you can help. |
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| luck |
[Sep. 1st, 2005|10:55 pm] |
wish me luck for tomorrow guys!
i'm gonna make a move.
not a move...but a "move"
errr. i need some luck. people
jean skirt. sexy shirt. shower. hair. make up. looking nice. |
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| socrates was put to death at his ideas and questions of life. |
[Sep. 1st, 2005|05:58 pm] |
| [ | state of mind |
| |  awake | ] |
| [ | song of the day.. |
| | no no no. i will not go. no no no . | ] |
ahhh. sweet sweet world. i am thinking about crawling over to europe for a few years and try to convince them to not elect a president since my parents seem to think that's going to be the anti-christ. and what not. what good would i do? i'll tell ya what would happen and the answer i simply that i would become power hungry and become the anti-christ myself. things never work out for me. oh. well.
i saw the most beautiful creature in the world today. with his red and black hair [more so orangy red than actual red] and his GORGEOUS lip ring. the fact that he was skinny and wearing girl pants was a definite plus. and...err...he was very attractive. i kinda stared at him until i realized i was staring than i turned away...sweeet. that will be my crush of the semester. after all, i've had one every semester, except spring, because well. i was a taken woman.
my lab partners suck. casey, kristin, and some other guy. but as previous times, it sucks to be pretty. since of course, everyone wants to be at the pretty lab table. the table i am stuck at right now. i was there first, if that makes any self confidence boost. the others always follow i suppose. i guess i'm prettier than the other people in class since they all flocked to my fucking table. or they heard i was easy. either way. it's going to be a long semester.
i'm looking to buy a new car. errr. alan wants me to buy a cheap car, say...1500$. my questions is simply...a car that doesnt run? i've been looiking at cars. i want a decent one to drive after all. a honda, VW, i would also settle for a benz. i could get my hands on one of those. mm. more than likely i will end up with some ugly piece. i refuse. i'll keep the jeep thanks. even if it does cost 47.89 to fill up. come on people.
i'm staying home tonight. because of the gas prices of course. no, not really. i'm fucking exhausted. and those of you who laugh..."haha kayla has to go to school and now she's tired." just remember. because of my aerobics class, in 4 months i will be smarter, in shape, HOTTER THEN YOU, and another 17 hours closer to becoming very sucessful. BAH! oh i'm sorry...i could not help myself.
i want to go on a date. with a nice boy. who will take ME out to dinner. and will kiss me hard, but not try to attack me at the end of the date. call me.
i'm single bitches! and i'm loving every minute of it. |
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| my emotions are mixed but my mind is made up |
[Aug. 31st, 2005|10:54 pm] |
| [ | state of mind |
| |  okay | ] |
| [ | song of the day.. |
| | goodbye to you. goodbye to everything you do. | ] |
i've come to a serious decision about my life. it involves someone i love very very very much. i'm going to cry a lot. and probably more. the decision will be made available to his ears friday, after school. and i plan on still hanging out with his this weekend. if that's cool. probably won't be. i need to start listening to my head a little more than my heart. after all. a heart gets people in trouble. if you use your head you stay calm and collected. but none the less no one knows what the hell i'm talking about so i'll stop.
love is stupid.
so. i have env with ryan. thats super cool. hes a cool cool guy. not that im developing a crush or anything...errr...
Xtina has myspace. go and add her because she is awesome. and youre a loser if you don't think so. end of story.
the weekend is mine. and im spending friday and saturday at nutz's house sleeping in my room. i need rest. of the mind body and soul. i need a massage. which i plan on getting hopefully. not this weekend of course.
i'm depressed. honestly. not about really because im lonely, and i don't have a boyfriend to go out with and have fun with and confess everything to. i don't care about that. i have friends. but mainly because...i'm starting to realize a lot of things. with God and myself. and we're not agreeing very well lately. my morals have been set aside. and my mind set has too. it's time to get back on track. this must be done. |
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| curse of college. love of hamburger helper |
[Aug. 30th, 2005|10:45 pm] |
| [ | state of mind |
| |  ::rolls eyes:: | ] |
| [ | song of the day.. |
| | the killers!!! | ] |
yeah so college life is getting started again. this time im a sophomore. hell yeah.
did you know that sophomore meant--wise/fool. soph means wise. omore means fool. just some pointless knowledge. anyways...
monday was my first day...errr. aerobics at 9 in the morning. its to wake me up. and get in shape hehe. psh. its not like im far. hell. im hot. i walked into env science 2 and took my seat and guess who was next to me. chad alley. EW! haha he was on my right. then the beautiful ryan dent to my left. drooool. man i hope he doesnt read my journal. hes a cutie though. too bad in not single...errrr. oh wait. HARK!!! i am. yes! hahaha.
i dropped my statistics class today...i dont need it. its a waste of my time. so yeah...
schools been great so far. i wish i had more people i knew in my clsses but oh well i suppose. maybe i'll make better grades that way. i have two books to buy tomorrow. A: fundamentals of speech. B: Life's fundamental questions.
my philosophy teacher is insane. but he seems nice and everything. although he keeps mentioning the fact he has no friends...kyven gave me the idea to buy him a fish. hmm. perhaps.
nutz!!!. im coming to your home. perhaps...friday? and cooking. if thats cool. and can i chill at your house this weekend? i need some AWAY time. i'll be gone sunday morning cause im going to see CATS! the musical sunday evening. so yay!!!
matt cook. i'll see your ass friday. i have a proposition we need to talk about...plus were cooking at nutz's house haha.
also:: listen. im sorry for taking your name. i didnt realize there was one. k. stop trying to cause drama and get the fuck over it. christ. what the hell is wrong with people. i dont even know you and your fucking harassing me. honestly. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 28th, 2005|08:11 pm] |
ahhh.
school tomorrow.
call me after 12. we'll do lunch.
matt. change my oil i need to know what to get :] |
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fuckme0ver's journal